Caged

Ever felt like you were behind bars? A prison of any sort, be it one constructed out of circumstance, of literal brick and mortar, or perhaps in the mind? Because I currently do. 

I'm yearning to do so much, spread my wings and fly, run and roam and explore and be myself, cycle around as fast as possible and smile in the sheer joy of it. 

But not right now. I'm still recovering from a bout of pretty serious food poisoning that left me almost unable to even sit upright back in Xi'an five days ago. I'm starting to empathise with all those animals in the zoo. I feel like a caged tiger pacing its cage, up, down, restless but unable to anything at all. So I'm still stuck in my room, binging on movies because they're easier on my energy than, let's say, learning how to sketch better or writing about what I've learnt or actually trying to learn (but then again, right here, it may be my own fault...). I've watched The Matrix trilogy, a bit of Life of Pi and Avatar in the past two days (and boy are they good), but this isn't what I really want. I want to go out there and do things on my own terms. 

Is it just me who has ever experienced this feeling? I'm pretty sure anyone, at some point in their lives has. Just that I may experience it more often? 

I know when I was in primary school, I once dreamt of literally flying. This must have been after Matilda (Roald Dahl) or its adaptive film, about this little girl who can do telekinesis. I spread my arms and flapped and I rose to the ceiling. I think I flew out the door too. Is it any wonder that humans dream of flight, of obtaining what they cannot have through some ingenious way of doing so? 

I know on a bus journey home from secondary school, when the sky was dim from dusk (it may have been raining), I typed a small note on my phone that talks about a man in an African city, once a boy running wild and far and wide and free, flying on his feet in his village, but who is shackled by the chains of modern living in the metropolis. I guess that, too, expresses my current emotions. 

But then again, I also have this tiny fear that when I recover enough to do so, I'll still remain stuck in a mental rut and not make the best of my time... 

Today

I've been kind of relaxing after submitting my architecture (design) portfolio. Wanting to do work - meaning to say, reading, making notes, writing, designing - but I've been taking breaks and have been spontaneous in agreeing to go places and chillaxing. And it's fun(:

Today, I realised that even in the midst of this fun I'm having, I can also find meaning and try to apply them to my future career as an architect.

I went to the National Gallery for the second time. Then I went bowling and had dessert with friends. Then I had impromptu movie (Our Times) with my housemates from USP and right after, this other movie called The Miracle in Cell No. 7 (Korean. Highly recommended).

Apart from the aesthetics that I gleaned from the N.A.G, what really struck me were the movies.

Whatever happens, us humans really do thrive on love, as I relearned today.

Images, videos that get shown to us that are heartwarming really play on our emotions, make us empathise, make us feel what the characters feel. They reaffirm our sense of right and wrong and show us love in all its forms. Mostly between a male and female, as in romantic atttraction; but also, the love between a father and daughter, the love between friends. Relationships are so very important to us. And it reminds me again of why I chose architecture: to be someone in the background, trying to mould buildings so that they serve their function and then some. I forgot who said this, but someone talked about designing not just for its functions; but also about who will use them. A humble staircase in a home for the happy daughter, one day become bride, who will walk down the steps in joy, parents following. A playground not only for children, but also for the teenagers who use them, act kiddish, and sow the seeds of their young love. A sidewalk for an old couple to walk on and reminiscence by.

Even though architecture belongs to the people eventually, who repurpose them and add their own meanings to a place, but the original intention of the architect still matters. I'm sure that it's a great feeling to design something, and then after almost a lifetime passes, here people talk about what they did in there: how they first held hands under that tree you strategically placed; how a bunch of friends gathered weekly to go for movie nights at a grand old dame (cinema); and so on, and so forth.

Sometimes, the world is such a beautiful place. Or rather, it mostly is, just that the humdrum of everyday life seems to take over most of the time. But when we open our eyes and really look - past the perceived suffering, past personal issues, and take in what has been given to us - I think that we humans are so fortunate to be experiencing these emotions. To love. To feel so miniscule and insignificant in the grand scheme of things and yet part of a much larger whole. It somehow makes one become two, to lean into each other, look at each other, smile faintly, and contemplate the world a little while being perfectly content in the knowledge of being a small part of the universe.

I really don't know what else is happening around me. Like everyone else, I've done some dumb things in my life; but I stick by them. And it's nice to see people whom you care about move on, continue blooming and growing every day.

Sze Lyn, if and when you have someone else in your life (I suspect soon), I wish you all the best. (: I'm happy for you, really, truly.

Myself, I consider myself fortunate in having this privilege to go to university and enroll in this special programme where I find friends surrounding me whenever I need them, and even when I feel like shutting myself in a cage. They give me sanity and are a blessing in my life.

I'll carry on this path, live a life of no regrets, and be the best I can be. And maybe one day I'll live for someone else, too. Maybe one day I'll carry the weight of several lives on my back and shoulder the responsibility standing tall and proud. I look forward to the future that life brings me. (: