I have just successfully spent an hour (in between watching the elections on TV) trying to decide whether i wanted to nominate myself for an exco position in Chorale.
And in the midst of my dilemma, all my problems were solved. The deadline was up, at 11pm.
I think that i really want to serve my CCA(s). It's simply a matter of me being wishy-washy, saying 'what if?' to myself: what if i on't have time to do homework? what if i don't get the vote? what if...
I think it's just like what i felt during Biosoc nominations; i just didn't feel like thinking. I wanted to avoid taking on a huge responsibility. And yet i love my CCAs; i like all that i do. I must be a really sorry sight to a bystander. If i were to watch two versions of myself: the proverbial angel and demon, whispering in my own ear, debating between myself, tearing myself apart...
Perhaps what i really need is a push on the back, a command to tell me to go forth and fill in the nomination form (a really big hassle), to have the courage to step forth and lead. In the few leadership positions i have had so far, acting as a coordinator for Biosoc (pract comm) and PW group leader, i have found that i like to lead. the major impedement is my low self-esteem. i have always seen myself as a person in the backseat, contributing and advising the leader, but yet preferring to be unnamed, unseen, always hiding in the shadows. You can even observe it when i'm playing sports during PE. I am always the defender in floorball, the useless 'pillar' in soccer who dodges away from the ball when it is headed my way. Because of my multitude of excuses, i have denied myself the chance to be more involved in what i love, be in a more closely knit group for my CCA(s). It is a chance that i will never get again, because after graduating from RJ i don't know where i will go next. Even if i continue schooling and go to a university, the leadership opportunities there will be limited. Will there forever be a choir for me to join and contribute to the music-making? I highly doubt so.
Part of what made it so hard for me to arrive at a decision (still not done yet, and will never be; just another of my growing list of regrets in life) is that i didn't know whether i wanted an exco position mainly for a better-looking certificate when i graduate from RJ. I don't want to believe that that is my main aim. Credentials are not everything, and yet, if i were to hire myself, i would look at the list of things that i have done, see that it was woefully inadequate, and reject my job application. After all, who bothers to look at someone who is only a 'normal member'? When job applicants are scouted for, the creme de la creme are those picked. Non-leaders, on the other hand, are neglected... sometimes, you feel that you are good... and yet, 'good' is not enough. And so you are left behind, alone, cold.
And in the midst of my dilemma, all my problems were solved. The deadline was up, at 11pm.
I think that i really want to serve my CCA(s). It's simply a matter of me being wishy-washy, saying 'what if?' to myself: what if i on't have time to do homework? what if i don't get the vote? what if...
I think it's just like what i felt during Biosoc nominations; i just didn't feel like thinking. I wanted to avoid taking on a huge responsibility. And yet i love my CCAs; i like all that i do. I must be a really sorry sight to a bystander. If i were to watch two versions of myself: the proverbial angel and demon, whispering in my own ear, debating between myself, tearing myself apart...
Perhaps what i really need is a push on the back, a command to tell me to go forth and fill in the nomination form (a really big hassle), to have the courage to step forth and lead. In the few leadership positions i have had so far, acting as a coordinator for Biosoc (pract comm) and PW group leader, i have found that i like to lead. the major impedement is my low self-esteem. i have always seen myself as a person in the backseat, contributing and advising the leader, but yet preferring to be unnamed, unseen, always hiding in the shadows. You can even observe it when i'm playing sports during PE. I am always the defender in floorball, the useless 'pillar' in soccer who dodges away from the ball when it is headed my way. Because of my multitude of excuses, i have denied myself the chance to be more involved in what i love, be in a more closely knit group for my CCA(s). It is a chance that i will never get again, because after graduating from RJ i don't know where i will go next. Even if i continue schooling and go to a university, the leadership opportunities there will be limited. Will there forever be a choir for me to join and contribute to the music-making? I highly doubt so.
Part of what made it so hard for me to arrive at a decision (still not done yet, and will never be; just another of my growing list of regrets in life) is that i didn't know whether i wanted an exco position mainly for a better-looking certificate when i graduate from RJ. I don't want to believe that that is my main aim. Credentials are not everything, and yet, if i were to hire myself, i would look at the list of things that i have done, see that it was woefully inadequate, and reject my job application. After all, who bothers to look at someone who is only a 'normal member'? When job applicants are scouted for, the creme de la creme are those picked. Non-leaders, on the other hand, are neglected... sometimes, you feel that you are good... and yet, 'good' is not enough. And so you are left behind, alone, cold.
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