Rant.

Was going to post on Friday or Saturday about Dramafeste, but I procrastinated (as usual). Lots to do. Been on a little bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride this weekend... The feeling wasn't eaxctly pretty. And it started off with my absolutely dismal H1 Chinese results. Which left me feeling extremely empty, like something's missing. And what would have changed, on Friday, in the short term, as well as in the long term - How much happier I would have been on Friday, the lack of straight A's already. I didn't use to be so hung up about results. But the expectation was an A, and to get a B once again - especially after one year of Monday afternoons being wasted, in a sense (but it was fun while it lasted). And my oral/aural got a distinction this time round, unlike in sec 3 when I got only a merit. Which means that my written paper sucked all the more. Maybe it's time to admit that I'm just not good at Chinese. Or that I didn't put in enough effort. Which implicaes so much more. My year of forsaking econs will come back to bite me. It's not going to be pleasant. And I'm so much more worred about PW now, which is going to come out in two weeks time. I really think I'll be broken if I get anthing less than an A for this, too. But the only person whom I can blame is myself, for I alone know how much effort I put into it. I relied on a miracle in PSLE, relied on another miracle in secondary 4 for O'levels. And I've been getting too complacent, thinking that miracles will happen to me all the time, that I can do my usual thing, continue slacking around, and get that A, somehow. Apparently not.
I'll keep my grades in my file, and hope that that will motivate me to work harder. I need to start doing homework desperately. The pressure is mounting, because I've been slacking far too much. The expectation that I can get good grades, MUST get good grades, must go to a prestigious school in the UK or US - Oxbridge, UCL, Harvard, MIT, all the Ivy League colleagues. So many things to overwhelm me with.
Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that I wouldn't get straight As, at least for my six other subjects. Fear because of the high bar that the seniors have set us, have set me. Fear, pulling at my legs, sucking me down.
Fear.
And this links to the next post about a movie, "3 Idiots". It was produced in 2009, an Indian film, a blockbuster, a runaway success, about the education system, about values, about learning. I wish I could be like the male lead.