Monday, March 25, 2013

Death and Rebirth

I died.

My A level results were fairly crappy. It's not going to be something that will leave me soon but instead stays quietly and omipresent like a shadow. Or the sound of your own breathing.

In all honestly, I am desperate now. After all the wake-up calls, fate/God/etc decided to give me a slap in the face. So I am jumping into architecture (hopefully), with no knowledge of the arts whatsoever, no music theory background, no drawing or painterly experiences, a less than ideal academic background, zero - absolutely zero - leadership. So many regrets. Even now, after I've held my resolve, my heart wavers. Should I enter architecture, knowing full well the future that awaits? Can I design good buildings? Am I even working hard? I must keep flogging myself with a mental whip - castigate my lazy self into shape. From the Open Yale psychology course (a little outdated at 2007, sadly...), that's my "it" and "superego" at work. I am two persons, one trying to slack as much as he possibly can and the other trying to make up for eighteen years' worth of wasting time.

My grades honestly make me sad. It doesn't matter if it's a true reflection of myself, that I'm still a good person, blah blah. I should be able to do anything I set myself to do. Yet my English grammar remained weak; my Chinese remained a B; my econs grade remained... well, unbelievably bad. Why? Why am I giving scholarship boards and universities a reason to flat out throw my applications in the bin? Why am I disadvantaging myself? Why am I resting while the world is working hard?

I don't believe that I'm being too hard on myself. But I wish for this to be the final time I need a reminder when I fail at something big. It's so painful... too painful to repeat again. It is living with the knowledge of the full extent of your sins being exposed to yourself. It is having a knife twisted in you when others who you know have worked hard get their overseas offers and scholarships, thinking: will anybody still want me? Just a person who is full of regret, head filled with nothing and possessing nothing more than a fierce desire to better himself, day by day; trying to transcend the husk of being a (very, very lowly) mortal. It is a case of the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak...

So many people whom I've let down, but most of all myself.

And so I shall continue plodding on, as if I had disobedient legs which I must manually, labouriously lift and carry forward... Screaming out for help in my head, and wishing fervently that someone - anyone - would listen, and oblige.

Perhaps I should have disregarded my own heart and simply tried for a leadership position? I know I would have gotten something and things may be so different now. Yet at that instant, my consiousness sneered at me for being materalistic. Oh, my brain... My brain, in which inhabits so many different me's. Can the good one please always win out? The one that says he'll have the self-discipline to study and read the papers and apply to scholarships and universities and train for NS before sleeping? Only then can I truly start to progress.... only then will I be on my way to a place in life when I can finally say that I can stop being hardworking and enjoy my last few moments slacking before leaving the world.

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