Only Human

I'm not going to talk much about my failures because well... nobody deserves to hear someone bitch all the time, right?

But I will say that I'm not as altruistic as I thought, or as unfeeling as I thought. It really sucks to entertain the thought of your ex... welll... Advancing in his/her love life. Even just the thought. I thought that I'd be happy, because I don't love her any more, right? But there's always this gaping hole that cannot be filled, even with hectic days and deadlines that rush up to you and swoop by, like the coming and going of a huge airplane at very low elevation that casts an enormous shadow that zooms past and leaves you bewildered, heart thumping.

And I will say that life has gotten me hard.

I thought I would be free enough to post constant updates on this blog, because you know, it's the same as army! All these thoughts that leak out and flow out and they're so precious but there's no way to collect them all. It's a little sad.

I've been battered and my ego has been shrinking. The amount of artsy people in architecture, or those who can rub shoulders and be friends so naturally and have the time to spend in studio; the realisation that I am just so much crap on the ground when it comes to formulating arguments and even writing - any writing - in the English language (not even considering Chinese or anything else); the sheer virtuosity that is available and overflowing form USP and everywhere else.

But at the same time, I know that I've just been giving myself excuses. I've been telling myself to buck up since Week 3 or so, but it just doesn't seem to happen. I can't seem to grab life by the horns, turn it around, sit on top of it and coast along just the way I want it to be. I can't be popular, smart, efficient, learn enough, improve fast enough. I've been equally ornery and socially awkward, with erratic sleep cycles and that pang of guilt when I wake up in the morning having done nothing. It sucks to know that your existence amounts to only so much.

I've been questioning myself. Why did I, how did I even get a scholarship? Why am I in architecture? Why am I in USP? Why am I not enough of a leader to be accepted into CCA exco or house committee? Why am I not smart enough to be efficient enough so that I can finally go home, spend time with my family, and do something about the familial situation? Why am I neglecting my loved ones when they are the most important?

But of course, sometimes you just have to keep working at it, pray hard, and hope things change.

I'll leave the introspection to some other day, probably after submitting my portfolio on 25 November. Then I will finally be free enough to look back. Look back on JC; on NS days; on Europe trip and my past relationship; to clear the bones in my closet and learn from them and bury them for good.

For now, I will just hope to do things, structure and regimentalise [sic. lol] them. Do push-ups before bathing every day. Do a sketch every day. during the holidays, read books and them return them as fast as possible. Aim to walk around buildings and draw them and take note of things and suggest ways to improve. As Dr Kim says, WHY? WHY do you not like something? You have to be specific. As Dr B.M.D. says, HOW? HOW do you explain and show people the links? These are the  main takeaways for this sem.