Well, well…
It certainly feels weird to post again.
Also, why post when nobody reads? Why type? I guess it has always been for my personal enjoyment and as memory and will remain that way… Like how a kettle steams and you either collect the steam, make it heat something else, or you let the pressure drop naturally when the cap is lifted at times. Although blogging isn't exactly very useful per se.. but it does help collect my thoughts and make me more ready to start the next day.
Looking back, it's such a wonder that I managed to log almost a hundred posts back in J1. How does that even happen when one is too busy living life? How do most people even find the time to do things when they're mostly on social media… I certainly cannot find an answer and that's why I don't use instagram or twitter. A self-admitted dinosaur.
These past few months, I've learnt some during a temp job at an outdoor retail shop, made an itinerary, went to Europe to patch a relationship, toured around, and came back single. And now, university's starting. So many exciting opportunities, but the one thing clear to me is that I still have a lot to improve on, especially in terms of self-discipline. It's arguably the single most important factor in why I am so dissatisfied with myself.
Being single feels almost natural nowadays. Maybe one can call it maturity, experiencing so many different feelings and having lived for another two years, going through phases of life. Graduating from junior college, going through army, getting attached, touring countries, breaking up, meeting new people through camps. Through all of these run the connecting factor of people. New ideas and experiences, pushing boundaries. But yet I still come out of all of these alone, slightly aloof. I guess that is the natural state, because two or more cannot exist as one person, right? Even if you get married or have a very close friend or sibling. So I'm back to my usual slightly melancholy self. More outgoing than before, slightly more dependable, but otherwise I don't feel that I've grown that much. I'm still so small with so much more to learn and do and become.
I don't feel deserving to have SL as my girlfriend, or anyone else for that matter. But of course I'm lonely now. How to be sane and go about doing work when relics of someone you've loved for four years are scattered everywhere, all around you? When you, Mr Protagonist, turned antagonist, forced the relationship apart, broke a heart or two. I don't think I'll ever stop questioning and trying to find answers. What could have been done better. What went wrong. Even simply living in the knowledge that someone else is going about her life only half-alive and knowing that you're the reason is a heavy burden to carry. It's carrying the knowledge of being a sinner. That you're tainted, will taint anyone who comes close, got too much growing-up to do and so avoid everyone in fear of hurting anyone. So, dude, wrap yourself in armor, plod through life and do your best to fly until you can answer yourself.
It certainly feels weird to post again.
Also, why post when nobody reads? Why type? I guess it has always been for my personal enjoyment and as memory and will remain that way… Like how a kettle steams and you either collect the steam, make it heat something else, or you let the pressure drop naturally when the cap is lifted at times. Although blogging isn't exactly very useful per se.. but it does help collect my thoughts and make me more ready to start the next day.
Looking back, it's such a wonder that I managed to log almost a hundred posts back in J1. How does that even happen when one is too busy living life? How do most people even find the time to do things when they're mostly on social media… I certainly cannot find an answer and that's why I don't use instagram or twitter. A self-admitted dinosaur.
These past few months, I've learnt some during a temp job at an outdoor retail shop, made an itinerary, went to Europe to patch a relationship, toured around, and came back single. And now, university's starting. So many exciting opportunities, but the one thing clear to me is that I still have a lot to improve on, especially in terms of self-discipline. It's arguably the single most important factor in why I am so dissatisfied with myself.
Being single feels almost natural nowadays. Maybe one can call it maturity, experiencing so many different feelings and having lived for another two years, going through phases of life. Graduating from junior college, going through army, getting attached, touring countries, breaking up, meeting new people through camps. Through all of these run the connecting factor of people. New ideas and experiences, pushing boundaries. But yet I still come out of all of these alone, slightly aloof. I guess that is the natural state, because two or more cannot exist as one person, right? Even if you get married or have a very close friend or sibling. So I'm back to my usual slightly melancholy self. More outgoing than before, slightly more dependable, but otherwise I don't feel that I've grown that much. I'm still so small with so much more to learn and do and become.
I don't feel deserving to have SL as my girlfriend, or anyone else for that matter. But of course I'm lonely now. How to be sane and go about doing work when relics of someone you've loved for four years are scattered everywhere, all around you? When you, Mr Protagonist, turned antagonist, forced the relationship apart, broke a heart or two. I don't think I'll ever stop questioning and trying to find answers. What could have been done better. What went wrong. Even simply living in the knowledge that someone else is going about her life only half-alive and knowing that you're the reason is a heavy burden to carry. It's carrying the knowledge of being a sinner. That you're tainted, will taint anyone who comes close, got too much growing-up to do and so avoid everyone in fear of hurting anyone. So, dude, wrap yourself in armor, plod through life and do your best to fly until you can answer yourself.
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