Only Human

I'm not going to talk much about my failures because well... nobody deserves to hear someone bitch all the time, right?

But I will say that I'm not as altruistic as I thought, or as unfeeling as I thought. It really sucks to entertain the thought of your ex... welll... Advancing in his/her love life. Even just the thought. I thought that I'd be happy, because I don't love her any more, right? But there's always this gaping hole that cannot be filled, even with hectic days and deadlines that rush up to you and swoop by, like the coming and going of a huge airplane at very low elevation that casts an enormous shadow that zooms past and leaves you bewildered, heart thumping.

And I will say that life has gotten me hard.

I thought I would be free enough to post constant updates on this blog, because you know, it's the same as army! All these thoughts that leak out and flow out and they're so precious but there's no way to collect them all. It's a little sad.

I've been battered and my ego has been shrinking. The amount of artsy people in architecture, or those who can rub shoulders and be friends so naturally and have the time to spend in studio; the realisation that I am just so much crap on the ground when it comes to formulating arguments and even writing - any writing - in the English language (not even considering Chinese or anything else); the sheer virtuosity that is available and overflowing form USP and everywhere else.

But at the same time, I know that I've just been giving myself excuses. I've been telling myself to buck up since Week 3 or so, but it just doesn't seem to happen. I can't seem to grab life by the horns, turn it around, sit on top of it and coast along just the way I want it to be. I can't be popular, smart, efficient, learn enough, improve fast enough. I've been equally ornery and socially awkward, with erratic sleep cycles and that pang of guilt when I wake up in the morning having done nothing. It sucks to know that your existence amounts to only so much.

I've been questioning myself. Why did I, how did I even get a scholarship? Why am I in architecture? Why am I in USP? Why am I not enough of a leader to be accepted into CCA exco or house committee? Why am I not smart enough to be efficient enough so that I can finally go home, spend time with my family, and do something about the familial situation? Why am I neglecting my loved ones when they are the most important?

But of course, sometimes you just have to keep working at it, pray hard, and hope things change.

I'll leave the introspection to some other day, probably after submitting my portfolio on 25 November. Then I will finally be free enough to look back. Look back on JC; on NS days; on Europe trip and my past relationship; to clear the bones in my closet and learn from them and bury them for good.

For now, I will just hope to do things, structure and regimentalise [sic. lol] them. Do push-ups before bathing every day. Do a sketch every day. during the holidays, read books and them return them as fast as possible. Aim to walk around buildings and draw them and take note of things and suggest ways to improve. As Dr Kim says, WHY? WHY do you not like something? You have to be specific. As Dr B.M.D. says, HOW? HOW do you explain and show people the links? These are the  main takeaways for this sem. 

A Brief Summary of events

Well, well…

It certainly feels weird to post again.

Also, why post when nobody reads? Why type? I guess it has always been for my personal enjoyment and as memory and will remain that way… Like how a kettle steams and you either collect the steam, make it heat something else, or you let the pressure drop naturally when the cap is lifted at times. Although blogging isn't exactly very useful per se.. but it does help collect my thoughts and make me more ready to start the next day.

Looking back, it's such a wonder that I managed to log almost a hundred posts back in J1. How does that even happen when one is too busy living life? How do most people even find the time to do things when they're mostly on social media… I certainly cannot find an answer and that's why I don't use instagram or twitter. A self-admitted dinosaur.

These past few months, I've learnt some during a temp job at an outdoor retail shop, made an itinerary, went to Europe to patch a relationship, toured around, and came back single. And now, university's starting. So many exciting opportunities, but the one thing clear to me is that I still have a lot to improve on, especially in terms of self-discipline. It's arguably the single most important factor in why I am so dissatisfied with myself.

Being single feels almost natural nowadays. Maybe one can call it maturity, experiencing so many different feelings and having lived for another two years, going through phases of life. Graduating from junior college, going through army, getting attached, touring countries, breaking up, meeting new people through camps. Through all of these run the connecting factor of people. New ideas and experiences, pushing boundaries. But yet I still come out of all of these alone, slightly aloof. I guess that is the natural state, because two or more cannot exist as one person, right? Even if you get married or have a very close friend or sibling. So I'm back to my usual slightly melancholy self. More outgoing than before, slightly more dependable, but otherwise I don't feel that I've grown that much. I'm still so small with so much more to learn and do and become.

I don't feel deserving to have SL as my girlfriend, or anyone else for that matter. But of course I'm lonely now. How to be sane and go about doing work when relics of someone you've loved for four years are scattered everywhere, all around you? When you, Mr Protagonist, turned antagonist, forced the relationship apart, broke a heart or two. I don't think I'll ever stop questioning and trying to find answers. What could have been done better. What went wrong. Even simply living in the knowledge that someone else is going about her life only half-alive and knowing that you're the reason is a heavy burden to carry. It's carrying the knowledge of being a sinner. That you're tainted, will taint anyone who comes close, got too much growing-up to do and so avoid everyone in fear of hurting anyone. So, dude, wrap yourself in armor, plod through life and do your best to fly until you can answer yourself.

Success

After-ORD life has not been very slack. While I would dearly like to collect my post-army thoughts and blog about those days (as I have been wanting to for a year and ten months), deadlines do not allow for it…
I have failed, been failing, am failing. I guess most of life's events are partial success-failures and it's up to our own personal perspective to determine which is which. Yet the truth is obviously grey. And I seem to lack to ego filter that most people do and instead acknowledge the grey truth for all it's worth.
Anyway, I'm currently trying to add more discipline into my life. While leisure has no measurements in time, productivity on the other hand seems to be gained through an iron will. Like so many things in life… Freedom seems to only gain wings when you define it by a certain set of rules, such is the beauty or nature of the world. High-profile writers make their best work by dedicating fixed amounts of time to writing daily. This brings to mind Malcom Gladwell and his 10,000 hours theory… You put in the hours, you get results, no qualms about it. So when I feel like it, I push my deepest self into the highest-security containment I can find, lock it, chain it, no thoughts about any insecurities or other strays that serve to distract, tell it to bid its time for when I am alone or with my closest, smallest circle of people whom I can be that quivering tiny mass of shit (not all the time… nobody deserves that treatment) and start on work.
Ah, someday I long to be that ideal person who juggles every damn ball well… Pray it not be a farce.

So sometimes when we go about our daily lives we find interesting things that make us put down whatever we're doing at the moment, maybe it's a good book, or a trip with others, something that stirs the heart and compels abandonment of all that is life and yet burdensome, and seek out that fresh new thing, or perhaps it's an old flame, perhaps it's being in love with the mountains, surrendering your very soul to the mountain, to let you and mountain become one, forever and ever, and then when it ends there's this addiction, compulsion to find again, to get the same adrenaline rush and you know you've been hooked, to reach a goal, or goals, your very own, and it doesn't matter what other people say, perhaps we're all living this dream, seeing the same world yet all of us through different lenses of our own, overcoming any obstacle, like a blizzard, or rain beating down, or slogging through a wall that's so dense and suffocating and makes you crawl and get down to your knees but whatever it is still carry on and move forward, and you know it isn't about what others say, be they good or bad, because those are all extraneous and the only thing that matters is you and it, and to close the distance and become ever closer, closer and yet always far, beating you down and posing questions of why, but then all is silenced with continually trying and climbing and trying and maybe, just maybe, this is what they call passion, this word, love, that refuses to be bound by definition and objectified and exists unique and known only by those who are infatuated. 

(:

NS Updates

Meh. What happened to frequent postings...><
Anyway, the idea was to blog about little snippets of NS life without getting myself into trouble by revealing stuff.
Not like I know most locations because maps are just so few and far in between...-.-

Anyway, it's really late and I shouldn't be doing this. But I still am anyway so whatever.

So, life lesson I've been wanting to share: everything should be done with a sense of enjoyment. Even if its something you detest, try to find the good in it and smile and laugh. Things really seem much easier after that... Even if you smile like a spastic during your 2.4km run (as I do) the world won't really care... It's all in the mind, says my commanders. Hee.

... And in other news, something very good happened to me. So I hope it lasts and continues growing and continues making me happy (: 

Life in a nutshell

Okay. At this point in time I really shouldn't be doing this but argh.
So, life. I think that we generally follow either of two pathways (impossible to reconcile) - either keep running on the hedonistic treadmill, or giving everything up and being a monk or nun or something like that.

I came up with another analogy for this.

We are all little kids carrying plastic baubles/balls. Each represents something dear to us. Say, friends; family; wealth; etc. As we run along the path of life, invariably more attractive things come along the way that we try to pick up and carry along as well. So we bend down, stoop and pick them up. But eventually, there comes a point in time where if we are not cautious enough, all the balls may scatter everywhere. Then we pick up the balls one by one and continue doing what we've done.
Choosing to let go of all the balls, then, is like choosing to give up a hedonistic lifestyle - no more burdens. Yet most of us choose not to do so, because the thought of losing everything is exceptionally painful.